The art of giving feedback through a Neurodiverse lens

Ever walked away from some feedback conversations feeling uplifted, renewed, and crystal clear about your next steps are and ready to propel yourself forward? Whilst on the other hand, other conversations have left you, what I call “circling the drain,” stuck in a shame spiral about what you did “wrong,” wanting to run away or hide?

So, what makes the difference?

Feedback is a topic I feel extremely passionate about. First of all, I love growing and learning. In my view, we cannot develop what we are not aware of, and we cannot celebrate what we are good at if we do not recognise our strengths. Feedback provides us with this powerful awareness. It enables us to celebrate who we are, develop, learn, grow and change. When done right, feedback is transformative.

As a former teacher, feedback was part of my daily bread. If I was not being observed by others, I was giving my students feedback.

As a learning designer, I pay close attention to how my content is landing. As a coach, I contract around safety and working agreements, check in with clients about how sessions are going, and make constant micro-adjustments. It is these small, ongoing iterations that build toward something powerful in the end: a product, a service, or a relationship that becomes a seed of growth without shame.

Nature has a lot to teach us on the topic of feedback. It is constant and provides direction for the next step in growth:

- A sunflower leans toward light without shame.

- A tree sheds its leaves with the seasons, without being told it is underperforming.

- A river shifts course when blocked, not out of failure, but adaptation.

The Problem with Feedback

Feedback is an art, and it can be difficult to get right. While intended to spark growth, it can often trigger defensiveness, confusion, or shutdown. This often happens when feedback is poorly timed, vague or generic, delivered without full context, lacking clear and actionable steps, or given without curiosity or collaboration.

Through a Neurodivergent or Sensitive Lens

For neurodivergent individuals (and many sensitive humans in general), feedback can be especially powerful when it is clear, collaborative, and respectful of different ways of processing.

Here are some examples of how differences in processing can shape the experience:

• Literal processing: Many neurodivergent thinkers excel with clarity. In the words of Brené Brown, 2018: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”

• Emotional sensitivity or hypervigilance: A heightened awareness of tone, body language, or micro-expressions can make comments feel personal. That same awareness also enables deep empathy and relational leadership when feedback is delivered with care.

• Rejection Sensitivity (RSD): A strong desire to belong can make feedback feel high-stakes. When framed with safety and encouragement, it fuels perseverance and growth.

• Executive function differences: When goals are broken down collaboratively, neurodivergent thinkers can harness creativity and focus without unnecessary barriers.

• Burnout from norming: Expending extra energy to adapt to systems not designed for them means feedback can feel like just another demand. A key question to consider is whether the feedback genuinely adds value, or whether it unintentionally pressures neurodivergent individuals to conform to neurotypical styles.

• The Double Empathy Problem: Neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals may process communication differently, leading to misunderstandings on both sides. When feedback becomes a two-way exchange, both parties can adjust, learn, and strengthen the relationship.

This does not mean feedback must be softened or avoided. It means it must be intentional: clear, kind and regulating.

Five Inclusive Practices for Feedback

Here are five simple shifts that support everyone, but are especially powerful for neurodivergent or sensitive team members:

1. Prior to the conversation: Self-preparation

Clarify your purpose: What do you hope the person will learn or gain? How do they prefer to receive feedback? Check in with your own nervous system and mindset. Being grounded and regulated yourself sets the foundation for a calm and safe conversation.

2. Resource and set the intention at the start: co-create safety

Once the conversation begins, focus on mutual safety. Ask what each of you needs for the discussion to go well. Check your tone, body language, and approach to ensure they feel respected and not judged. Clearly share your intention: why you are giving feedback and what do you hope the conversation will achieve.

3. Use a clear feedback model: ground the conversation

Start by asking what they think is going well or what they think could be improved from the situation. Another expression I like to use is that “Context is King.” Often, people already have an awareness and will have a specific reason for why they did something a specific way, and sometimes they may just not know how to move forward. It is incredibly important to take a strengths-based approach, acknowledging what individuals already do well. This helps people see their existing capabilities, fuels confidence, and makes feedback feel motivating.

Where further clarity is needed, use a framework that grounds feedback in observation and impact. Focus on behaviour, not identity. A couple of my favourites are the BOOST model (Balanced, Observed, Objective, Specific, Time-bound) and the AID model (Action, Impact, Development or Do differently).

4. Check in on how it landed: validate understanding

This is a really important step and is often missed. Ask: How did that land? Be open to the fact that even helpful feedback can trigger past experiences or require extra processing time. It may also help to schedule a pause and revisit the conversation later.

5. Co-create next steps: build forward together

Instead of giving advice and walking away, build forward together. Offer a few actionable options if the individual feels stuck and ask which of those feels most doable. This supports executive function, autonomy, and engagement without leaving the individual feeling infantilised or shamed.

Better feedback is better for everyone

This is not just about being sensitive to neurodivergent or sensitive folks. It is about evolving how we approach growth, communication, and leadership. When feedback is clear, kind, and collaborative, it builds trust, creates autonomy and becomes an act of respect rather than critique. Feedback works best when we remember that growth is not instant, change requires safety, language shapes experience, and every mind blooms in its own way.

Let us give feedback that feeds, nourishes, and helps people grow in their own time and in their own form.

I would love to hear from you:

• What has helped feedback land well for you?

• What practices do you use to make your feedback inclusive?

• Have you ever felt misunderstood or overwhelmed by feedback?

Let’s keep the conversation going.

References:

Brene Brown (2018): Clear is kind, unclear is unkind. Available at: https://brenebrown.com/articles/2018/10/15/clear-is-kind-unclear-is-unkind/ (Accessed 20 August 2025).